


Life And Worth

by Coby_Thinks



Series: L.A.W. AU [2]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Depression, No One Is Okay, Suicide, and enjoy it, etc. etc. - Freeform, i love my angst, i'm not even joking, lotsa angst, love y'all lmao, no one is okay in this, take it, you know me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 17:53:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21396247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Coby_Thinks/pseuds/Coby_Thinks
Summary: This is a one-shot set in my L.A.W. AU. Note: this is NOT the sequel to Love and War - it is a One-shot piece in the series and the sequel will be posted in a separate work on my profile!WARNINGS: Depression, suicide, major character death, basically all the sad feelings and food mentions.
Series: L.A.W. AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1504187
Comments: 7
Kudos: 80





	Life And Worth

Remus was missing. Roman sat in the living room, eyes fixed on the door and ears straining for any footstep, or knock, or for his phone to ring. Remus was missing and they wouldn’t let him help look. He had to stay in case Remus came back. He wasn’t allowed to go find him.

Because it was Roman’s fault.

Roman blinked back tears, taking in a shuddering breath. 

They always argued - that’s what they did. They were brothers. Twins. They would argue and they would yell and they would say things that weren’t true, and that’s all there was to it. Roman didn’t mean a word he said, but then Remus had vanished.

Vanished and left a note that Roman would never forget finding.

Roman’s head snapped back to the door when he heard footsteps, spotting a silhouette through the window there. 

He was on his feet in seconds, meeting his dad at the door. Their eyes met and for one, horrible moment, it was silent.

“D-Dad?” Roman forced himself to speak first, and when he did, his father's face crumpled. No. No. No no no no no. “DAD!”

“Roman…” he put his hands on Roman’s shoulders, and Roman watched in horror as his dad started to cry. His dad never cried. This couldn't be happening. 

“No.” Roman pulled away and tried to get out the door, but his dad grabbed him, holding him back. “Let GO! You don’t get it, I have to-”

“Roman, he’s gone.” the man said hollowly. “You can’t do anything.”

“He’s not GONE!” Roman yelled, panic coursing through him. “I-I can fix it, I just… I have to… I have to say sorry. I have to apologize, if I apologize he’ll come home. He’ll be okay, we’ll all be okay, I-”

“He’s not coming home.” dad whispered.

Roman froze, ignoring the tears that rolled down his face. Ignoring the way the door was closed, and he was pulled over to the couch and sat down. Trying to ignore as his dad explained that they’d found him and it was already too late. There was nothing anyone could do. There was nothing Roman could do. 

Roman knew his dad was trying to talk to him. Trying to get him distracted, or to respond, or to do anything but stare at the door like he had been for hours, but Roman couldn't. He couldn't do anything but stare at the door and wish for his brother to walk through it, all smiles and grins and loud inappropriate jokes.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there.

At some point, a blanket was draped across his shoulders, and hot chocolate was placed on the coffee table that he didn’t drink. At some point, his mother was in the kitchen sobbing, and his dad was so incredibly quiet. At some point, Roman knew that his parents' friends and family dropped by - maybe all at once, maybe not - and he couldn't get himself to talk to any of them.

Remus was dead, and it was Roman’s fault. If Roman had just been… just been a better brother, Remus would still be here. Remus would be sitting on the couch with him, watching cartoons or horror movies and talking about their plans for college. They were going to go to college together - Remus was going to become a forensic scientist. He was going to do everything he’d always wanted to do and more and…

Remus was never going to do anything again.

Roman felt himself drift away, aware of his surroundings and yet completely disconnected. 

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there - but it wasn’t long enough.

* * *

Roman stared across from himself, seated on the wet grass in a suit. Remus hated suits. But Remus wasn’t here. Well, not the way Roman wanted him.

“Rem…” Roman’s voice shook miserably as his eyes traced the writing on his brothers' headstone. “I-I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t… I didn’t mean it…”

He couldn't remember the funeral. He couldn't remember the entire month after Remus passed away. It was like a blank spot in his memory and all he could remember was that night sitting on the couch.

“I never meant it.” Roman wiped tears away, shoulders shaking. “I-I never… I just wanted you… I want you to come home. God, please…” 

He must look so stupid, some kid sitting in a cemetery sobbing his heart out.

“Please just come home, we can watch horror movies if you want and I won’t even complain, we can do anything… I’m so fucking sorry…”

The note had said it wasn’t anyone's fault. Roman knew it was a lie, even though Remus never lied. How could it not be anyone’s fault? It was so obviously Roman’s fault. 

“God, Remus… please.” Roman buried his face in his hands. 

Remus would think he was so stupid right now, wouldn’t he? Talking to nobody. He was, right? He was so freaking stupid, and he hated… everything. Especially himself. Remus would think that was stupid, too. He always got pissed off when Roman was hurt. Odd. He was never upset when someone hurt him personally, but as soon as Roman was? Fuck. Roman choked out a sob, though it sounded kind of like a laugh too.

“Remus, you were the best…” he whispered miserably. “How the fuck am I supposed to keep going without your… without your stupid little face? Huh? God, what am I doing here…?”

Roman stood up, taking a deep shuddering breath. The headstone, through all his rambling, had not replied. That was good, supposedly. Roman wasn’t ready to go insane.

“Can’t change the world if you’re dead, dumbass.” Roman smiled fondly through his tears. “Now I gotta do all the work. Rude.” 

Once again, his words were met with silence.

Roman decided then that he hated the silence.

* * *

“Hey, I know you!”

Roman’s head snapped up in surprise when someone grabbed his arm. He was met with a face mostly hidden by sunglasses. What.

“You were in that play last month!” the person continued, then sipped from a coffee. Roman shrugged, pulling away.

“Oh, uh, yeah.” he said softly. 

“Wow, you did not strike me as the quiet type!” the person said in surprise. “I guess that’s the magic of acting, right?”

“I guess.” Roman cleared his throat, speaking a little louder. “Sorry, who are you?”

“Remy.” Remy grinned, and the name seemed to dig a deeper wound into Roman’s heart. God, what were the odds?

“Roman.” Roman forced a smile onto his face. 

“Come with me, babes!” Remy suddenly declared, linking their arms together. “You need starbies - you look exhausted!”

“Wh- hey!” Roman let himself be dragged, despite the abruptness. 

“What kind of coffee do you like?” Remy asked, ignoring his protests. “We gotta get some caffeine in you before you topple over.”

“...why!?” Roman looked at him incredulously. “What the hell are you doing?”

“My sister thinks I need more friends,” Remy explained as they entered the Starbucks on campus. “This is how people get friends, right? Hanging out?”

“I mean… I guess.” Roman laughed, running a hand through his hair. “Usually it doesn’t start with a kidnapping, though. Why’d you pick me?”

“Gaydar wanted me to,” Remy said, tapping his temple smartly. Roman froze, looking at Remy suspiciously.

“...what?”

He hadn’t told anyone he was gay. He hadn’t said a word about it. What the fuck was… how would this random guy know he was gay?

“I mean, I don’t care.” Remy clarified. “I don’t only want to be friends with fellow queers, but I figured-”

“How do you know I’m gay?” Roman interrupted, shaking his head. “I barely figured it out.”

“I’m psychic, now what do you want?” Remy turned to the menu, waiting for his response. Roman just shook his head again but ordered. He had no idea what was happening, but he had to admit it was amusing. Might as well see what happened - not like he had much else to look forward to.

“So first of all, I’m sorry,” Remy said a few minutes later as they walked - now holding coffees. “Your sexuality is your thing, and I’m being kind of a bitch about it. Sorry again.”

“It’s alright.” Roman shrugged. “I mean, obviously it wasn’t going to be a secret forever. And, you’re… one person. That I barely know. Won’t affect much.”

“Gurl, I respect that!” Remy declared. “So what’s the dating scene like? Got your eye on any hotties?”

“Wh- uhm, I dunno.” Roman flushed, glaring at the sidewalk. “I guess, but I have no idea if he’s gay or not so it doesn’t really matter.”

“I know every queer on campus, darling.” Remy grinned at him. “What’s his name?”

“...Mark, I think.” Roman flushed a bit deeper and Remy laughed.

“Do you know how many people on earth are named Mark, Roman? A lot of people! Any specifics?”

“He was in the play, too.” Roman supplied. “We’re in the same theater class.”

“Oh, I know exactly who you’re talking about.” Remy beamed. “I’m gonna get you a date.”

“Wh- no!” Roman stopped walking, eyes wide. “Remy, I just met you. And I just realized I was gay. And my parents have no freaking idea - I don’t even know how they’d react!”

Well, not completely. They’d been very supportive when Remus came out as gay. That was one reason he was very much unwilling to come out to them because everything always made them think of Remus. Roman was tired of reminding them of Remus.

“...okay.” Remy held up his hands. “Sorry, sunshin- are you crying!? Shit, I totally didn’t… I didn’t mean to, uhm, fuck…”

“I’m fine,” Roman muttered, rubbing the tears away. “I just… just bad memories.”

“Sorry babes, no more pressure to date or come out from me.” Remy mimed zipping his lips shut. “Completely silent, see? We’ll talk about something else.”

“Thanks.” Roman laughed sadly as they continued walking. “We could talk about Disney, I suppose. I’m sure I know more trivia than you do.”

“You’re probably right!” Remy laughed. “I haven’t watched a Disney movie in like… three years.”

“What?” Roman stared at him, then grabbed Remy’s arm and mimicked the earlier kidnapping. “That’s it, clear your schedule, we’re watching Disney at my place.”

“If you say so.” Remy followed him cheerfully, finishing up his latte. “Didn’t have anything to do, anyway.”

* * *

_ “God, why the hell do you even exist!?” Roman yelled, burying his face in his hands. “Just get off my back, Remus!” _

_ “Awe, brother bear, but I love you-” _

_ “Shut up!” Roman shoved him away. “I mean it, Remus! I need to not be near you and I need to- Remus?” he stared in horror as Remus stood frozen, body slowly starting to decay. “REMUS!” _

_ “Not your fault,” Remus said sarcastically, crumbling to the ground in a pile of dust. _

“REMUS!” Roman shot upright, eyes flying open. Where was Remus? He had to apologize to Remus. He had to stop him before it was too late. He had to-

“What the fuc- whoa, breathe!”

Someone grabbed his shoulders, they were stopping him. He had to find Remus.

“Let go!” Roman lunged at them, pushing them away. “I-I have to apologize, REMUS!”

“Roman!” the voice, Roman realized, was unfamiliar. Yet familiar at the same time. “Roman, listen to me. I’m sorry I grabbed you. Just listen.” Roman froze. This never happened. It was always the same. What was happening? “You’re okay. You’re in your apartment, you’re okay. Just breathe.”

His apartment? But….

Oh.

Fuck.

Roman blinked a few times, and his living room came into focus with Remy standing in front of him.

“...you with me, babes?” Remy asked softly, pulling off his sunglasses. Roman stared blankly at him for a moment but nodded. “Cool. Need a drink? Need me to call someone - that Remus guy? Need to call him?”

Roman’s eyes filled with tears. Remy was just trying to help. He had no idea. He didn’t know and he couldn't possibly realize how much Roman wanted to talk to his brother.

“We can’t.” Roman buried his face in his hands.

“...I mean, I guess it’s pretty late, but if this guy cares about ya he’ll be-”

“He’s dead,” Roman said, not lifting his head.

“Oh,” Remy said softly, before vanishing and returning with a glass of water. “Here. um… I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault,” Roman said, taking a few sips of the water. “You… I have the nightmares all the time. It’s not your fault.”

“Well, I’m still sorry.” Remy huffed, sitting on the couch next to him. “And you can talk to me, whenever you need. Y’know? We’re friends by now, I hope.”

Roman laughed softly. He had a point. The past few weeks they’d always either been out getting coffee or watching movies.

“We’re friends.” Roman looked up, forcing a small smile. “I just… I can’t really just drop this stuff into conversation. It sucks.”

“Ah, sure you can. Fuck society’s rules.” Remy waved a hand. “Wanna talk about it, or no?”

Roman hesitated, staring down at his water.

“Remus… was my twin brother.” he finally mumbled, sloshing the water around a bit. “It’s been like, almost two years since he… since it happened, but I keep having those nightmares.”

“I mean, that’s normal.” Remy supplied softly. Roman idly remembered that he was studying to be a therapist. “You guys always had each other, and now you don’t. That’s rough, I’m sorry.”

“Thanks, Rem.” Roman smiled sadly. 

He could hear Remus in his head, though, furious that Roman hadn’t moved on. Hadn’t changed the world. Hadn’t been himself.

“Think I’m gonna ask that Mark guy on a date.” Roman said in response to Remus’s chastizing. 

“Yeah?” Remy seemed surprised, undoubtedly baffled at the turn Roman had taken in conversation.

“Can’t stay in the closet forever,” he noted. “And Remus would be pissed at me anyway for wasting so much time. He always said any moment could be our last - so we better make them all worth it.”

“I like this guy.” Remy decided. Roman smiled.

“I figured you would.” he chuckled. “You’re… a lot like him.”

“Was this worth it?” Remy asked suddenly. “Being friends with me?”

“Of course it was.” Roman rolled his eyes, shoving Remy in the shoulder. “Dumbass.”

“Taking that as a compliment.” Remy decided.

“Good. It was one.” Roman sighed, closing his eyes. He was tired - but he was fed up with being sad. Remus wanted him to change the world? Well then, he was gonna change the goddamn world.

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah! I thought it'd be good to write a little one-shot that went a bit more in-depth about Roman's struggle with Remus (and Remy tbh) and so I wrote this little fucker. The sequel to Love and War will be started in a few days, so don't worry! ^-^
> 
> Love you all,  
-Coby


End file.
